Your College Major Summarized in One Sentence

1. Psychology – I predict no jobs in your future.

2. Philosophy – What is a job?

3. Government – How can I make your job more inefficient?

4. History – The past shows us definitively that there will be no jobs.

5. English – Once upon a time there were no jobs.

6. Biology – Jobs don’t grow on trees!

7. Biochemistry – Jobs don’t grow on the molecules of trees!

8. Chemistry – If I don’t find a job soon, I’m cooking meth.

9. Physics – Rumor has it, there might be a woman at my job.

10. Statistics – Odds are, I’ll probably have a job for a few years.

11. Engineering – Have you heard about my great new job?

12. Computer Science – My job smells like body odor and curry.

13. Kinesiology – I take my job as a mover very seriously.

14. Advertising – I will gladly sell my soul for any job. (Female version)

15. Marketing – I will gladly sell my soul for any job. (Male version)

16. Economics – What is the value of a human soul?

17. Accounting – I count your money for money.

18. Finance – I lose your money for money.

19. Geography – I actually don’t know the capital of every country.

20. Theatre – If the two people ahead of me die, I might have a job.

21. Film – I killed the two people ahead of me for this job.

22. Linguistics – My résumé says I’m an English major.

23. Anthropology – If we lived 5,000 years ago, we wouldn’t even need jobs!

24. Classics – I can write a suicide note in five languages.

25. Studio Art – I got stoned and painted a banana.

26. Nursing – I haven’t left my job in six months.

27. Pharmacy – I studied seven years to work in a grocery store. (Again.)

28. Education – Thanks to me, kids will know that Moses was a founding father.

29. Religious Studies – I’m like…75% sure that Moses was not a founding father.

30. Music – I hear the new Megachurch might be hiring more guitarists.

31. African American Studies – Blacks have it hard.

32. Asian American Studies – Asians have it hard.

33. Jewish Studies – Jews have it hard.

34. Latin American Studies – Hispanics have it hard.

35. Women’s Studies – Women have it hard.

36. Sociology – Why is everything so hard?!?

Aw, did I offend you?

Aw, did I offend you?

Get over it.

Originally published on

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