A new year is time for new changes. And, y’all—we need to make some changes this year.
But I’m not talking about going to the gym, or reading more books, or being nicer to homeless people, or similarly hard things that actually require effort and discipline. (Not yet at least.)
No, I’m talking about something much, much easier to change—your stuff. Let’s call this a “warm up resolution” before we start really getting into these New Year’s resolutions. (I promise we’ll get around to the hard stuff eventually.)
January is the perfect time of year to start throwing out your old junk and replacing it with new stuff. Here are 4 must-have household items for 2015! (Bonus if you have money or gift cards left over from Christmas):
I know that all of you enjoy your bathroom time. But have you ever wanted to have a clean ass? A really clean ass?
Well, want no more! Your wait is over. A clean ass is just a few short clicks away.
For $50 you can have a clean ass for the rest of your life—thanks to the magical invention of the bidet attachment. For a small, one-time investment, you can have a permanent fixture in your apartment or house that will shoot a jet stream of water up your asshole. Like in France!
I’m talking a degree of clean that you will never achieve with your pathetic little baby wipes and dry toilet paper. (Did you know that baby wipes are being recalled for bacteria concerns? Now you do!)
I can’t even tell you how much of a worthy investment this bidet is. You will save a fortune in unfolded toilet paper.
Bonus: When I invite people over to my apartment, they almost always use my bathroom. I’m not sure what it is. Maybe the decorations in my apartment have a cathartic effect. If my guest happens to drop the kids off at the pool—which they all seem to do—they are met with a curious surprise.
Fair warning: the first time using the bidet can be a little—surprising, to say the least. Some people scream. (They are weak.) But you will get used to it. And once you do, there is no turning back. You’ll look back on your swamp-ass days and shake your head.
Do you stream your TV and movies?
Who am I kidding—of course you do! Nobody actually watches DVDs anymore. They have become as obsolete as CDs, paper maps, and phone booths.
We live in the era of streaming. And nothing allows you to stream more easily (or more affordably) than Chromecast—Google’s newest digital media player, which allows users to cast from their smartphone, tablet, or computer to the TV.
Just pull up whatever show you want to watch on your phone/laptop/tablet—Netflix, HBO, Showtime, ESPN, Hulu, Youtube, Google Play, or whatever—and just tap the Chromecast icon to cast it to your TV. It’s that simple.
It will be the best $35 ever spent. (Other than the bidet.)
P.S. Yes, I’m aware that the Chromecast serves essentially the same function as the Apple TV and/or the Roku. But the Apple TV is about $90 and the Roku is about $40. So if you want the cheapest but still awesome casting device—get the Chromecast.
In my opinion, one of the most underrated New Year’s resolutions is the pledge to get more sleep. (Or rather, get enough sleep.)
This is something that almost nobody does, but everybody should do. And if you are sleeping less than eight hours every day, you likely fall into the category of: someone who does not get enough sleep.
Just how important is sleep? Very! Getting enough sleep will literally make your life better. You will feel healthier, have a better sex life, put yourself at less risk for injury, experience less pain, control weight more easily, think more clearly, have a stronger immune system, and generally feel happier.
There are lots of things you can do to ensure you get more sleep. But no single change—short of actually buying a new mattress—will get you the same results as blackout curtains. There is nothing quite like sleeping in total darkness. (I’m talking so dark that you can’t see your hand in front of your face.)
Blackout curtains will set you back between $20 and $30. They are well worth the money.
Anyone who has been to the dentist in the past decade is familiar with the Sonicare Toothbrush. If you’re not familiar with it—go see a dentist immediately. You’re probably overdue for six fillings and a root canal.
This is the oral hygiene instrument of the future. (Or, rather, the present.)
So what’s so great about this toothbrush? It actually cleans your teeth the correct way. (In little circles.) This electric toothbrush is designed to clean your teeth with maximum efficiency while causing minimal damage to the enamel. Also, proper brushing technique can—and will—whiten your teeth!
This is the toothbrush recommended by dentists.
Unfortunately, this tooth-saving piece of technology isn’t cheap. It will set you back anywhere between $40 and $100 depending on the model.
But take my—and your dentist’s—word for it: it’s worth it. Think of the $100 as an investment in preventive care for your choppers. Also, it’s so much easier to use than that old school POS toothbrush you’ve been using.
It’s time for change, y’all. I hope by year’s end you will all be happier, healthier, more rested, less swamp ass-y people.
More resolution ideas coming soon!